Braveheart. Badass.

I just got done watching Braveheart on TNT. I must say that movie could be looped to play on my TV for weeks on end and I would still watch it everytime.

I will not discuss how badass William Wallace is but the movie itself. This is not part of the final debate!....

If you are anything like me, and if you are reading this blog with any interest at all you most likely are, you start thinking or talking in a Scottish accent upon viewing this film. Braveheart has everything you can ask for in a badass movie. Love, revenge, killing, hot chicks, battle axes, crazy Irish dudes, and of course Mel Gibson. This is a movie with Mel in it and directed by Mel. Its almost not legal to make a film with as much BAness inside the continental United States which is why the movie was filmed in Ireland. My personal favorite part of the movie is when the crazy Irish guy is talking to William Wallace before battle and it goes "I talked to God today. He said I'm going to be fine, but you're Fucked!" but in a really hardcore Irish accent, which by the way is cut from the TV version which is total bullshit.

I suggest if you have not watched Braveheart within the last month do it now. Go get your blue facepaint, polish off your sword, and watch the Scotts kick some Medieval English Ass.

A Piece of History

A stone tablet was discovered somewhere in ancient Sumeria in the year 20 A.D. It's inscription was as follows (All language has been translated into English) and is believed to be the first known prophesy of Jesus Christ himself:

In the year 1956 on the third day in the month of Januarus
A god will be born
Yay, not a child, nor an infant, nor a newborn wrapped in swaddling clothes and laid in a manger,
but a god
This god will take a mortal man's name
This name shall be Melanhimorousibrahim Gibsonezekiel Christ
And he will reveal his power to this earth
Through his skills on what shall be known as the Silver Screen
People of the future Christian world, do not be fooled
For this creature is not one of you!
He is a god among mere men
Silver-eyed and strong as an ox
With an unquenchable taste for beautiful maidens and hearty amounts of alcoholic beverages
And a penchant to spew racial and sexual epithets to members of the law enforcement community
His abilities will go unchallenged
And you will know him by the trail of broken actors his leaves in his wake
Take heed, good Christians!
For this god will be criticized and attacked
Just as yours truly will be assailed 14 years from now in the painful months before my death
For it is through this suffering undertaken by Melanhimorousibrahim
That you will all be free of your sins again
This god will suffer for you, just as I will suffer
Because he is my half-brother
Born to Mary Magdalene through her inappropriate sexual relations with my father
Treat him as you would the Holy Ghost himself
And you shall bear witness to Academy Awards beyond your wildest dreams
Yay, so it shall be so, and so forth and so on
Thus spake my father, and I through him, in him, with him
And the peasants do rejoice
And do partake in a feast of lamb chops and port wine
And it was good

Amen.

A Brief History of Mel Gibson

Born in a remote forest outside of New York in 1934, Master of Everything Living (shortened to Mel) Gibson was found on the side of the road by travelers as he was killing a bear using only his charm, good looks, and natural acting abilities.  Although his birth parents are unknown, a geneticist would later trace his ancestry back to Thor and the Virgin Mary.  

The United States Army believed Mel Gibson could be used as an incredible weapon; by the time he was 8 years old the government had begun attempting to recreate his awesome power and so began the Manhattan Project.  Mel Gibson was on the run, wanting to use the talents he possessed for good, and not for destruction.  He was on the run until 1946, when he discovered he had the ability, through psychokinesis, to transport himself.  He relocated himself and his adoptive parents to Sydney Australia, where he would continue to practice and perfect his technique.

Mel tried to fit in with normal people in Sydney, but failed at doing so.  When he was 13, he simply smiled at a girl he liked, which caused her to orgasm, have a heart attack, and become pregnant all at once.  The girl would die during childbirth, only to be revived by Mel during her funeral when he prayed to God for her to live again.

This sparked awe and fear into the minds and hearts of Australians.  Some believe he was a saint, while others believed he was a witch.  Mel Gibson began another life on the run, transporting himself from country to country until he was 20 years old.  Exhausted and near death, Mel Gibson was found by his adoptive parents in Djibouti living among a family of Vervet Monkeys, where he was believed to be their God.  Mel had carved out a mansion inside an Acacia tree using only a toenail clipping.  

He asked to be left alone to live in peace amongst his Vervet brothers and sisters, and his parents complied.  He did this for 23 years before deciding to move back to Sydney.  His health was once again at 100%, and he was determined once again to overcome adversity and bring his acting talents to the world.  He said goodbye to the Vervets, and transported himself back to his home in Sydney.

When he returned home in 1977, his parents were amazed he hadn't aged at all.  In fact, he looked younger and even more handsome.  Without having done anything, offers for movies began coming in.  Mel Gibson accepted the role for the film Summer City.  He rejected payment at first, but would later accept $250 as a stipend for gracing the film with his presence.

In 1979, Mel Gibson decided it was time to give what he could to the world as he did the Vervet Monkeys.  He starred in Mad Max and immediately blew everyone away.  He would soon begin to act in more and more films.  Sometimes he had to be in two places at once, and would act two different roles at the exact same moment.

From there, Mel Gibson has been widely acclaimed as the greatest, most handsome, and charming figure to ever live.  His popularity grew so quickly that the government could no longer try to use him for destruction or war without being found out.  He was once again able to walk freely in the United States.

Controversial, brilliant, and legendary, Mel Gibson often visits his Acacia mansion in Djibouti to spend relaxing time with his friends.  Some fear that Mel is badass-ed out.  Others feel he just doesn't have the heart to continue making awesome films like he once did.  However, those who truly love Mel Gibson, like myself, know he is only getting started.

PORTER. BADASS. But does not make the final argument

(Notice that MEL GIBSON is above the movie title)

Mel Gibson plays the badass role of Porter in the movie Payback. If you have not seen this movie you are an idiot. It was not a hugely grossing movie but Mel Gibson is in it. Enough said.

Before we get into to the real nitty gritty on the discussion of most badass Mel Gibson role I want to introduce Porter and talk about his badassness (BAness). This character has some significant BA points coming his way so he cannot be left out. Here is a list of reason he was considered for the final debate.

List of Badassness

1. Porter is known simply as Porter.

Everyone knows that if you are known only by a first or last name you are pretty awesome. The name Porter strikes fear into the hearts of his adversaries. There is not even a hint to what his full name is in this movie. My guess, his full name is Mel Porter Gibson. It just makes sense to me...

2. Porter's profession is being a con artist. As if that's not badass enough he has morals. Being a con artist and still having morals is impressive and he balances crime and doing "the right thing" pretty well. This is pretty much the story line to the entire movie in case you don't know. He is double crossed by his drug addict wife and douche bag partner and all he wants when he returns is his fair share of the money, no more, no less.

3.Getting shot and not dieing is pretty damn high on the Badass-O-Meter. Porter's wife puts some lead into his back and teams up with his fucktard partner who needs Porter's share of the money to pay off some mob type bad guys who come up later in the movie. He is left for dead but simply has some shady guy who once watched a movie on medicine, remove the bullets in his basement with some rusty pliers and some vodka basically.

4.Porter needs no help. When you are as badass as this guy help just gets in your way. The only help he needs is from his hot call girl girlfriend and all she does is kidnap a dude. Which brings me to my next point...

5. Having a sexy accomplice/girlfriend. BONUS. Definitely adds to his BAness

6. Porter takes on mobsters without fear. That's all cool and dandy but one of these mobsters is played by Kristoffer Kristofferson. Enough said.

7.Porter gets tortured. Like really tortured. He has some dude go to town on his toes one at a time with a fucking hammer. Fuck that. That's all I'm saying. Most of the time he's laughing and talking shit while this guy is owning his feet.

8&9.Porter has to fight both the mob, a bunch of asians, AND corrupt cops. Dealing with three separate groups of assholes that want you dead has to suck but Porter uses it to his advantage. The cops try to blow him up so he uses the phone rigged to a bomb to blow up the mob guys. When he kills his ex-partner he gets the cops fingerprints on the gun and sets them up for failure. Porter is both brains and brawn which gets him another point of BAness.

10. The entire movie is narrated by Porter's thoughts in a monotone and pissed off cynical tone of voice. You can tell just by the sound of his voice that he's a badass.

Now looking back this role is pretty damn badass. But Porter does not make the top 3. Surprising I know, but you have no idea what we have in store for the final cut of characters...

Mel Gibson. The power in the name.

Mel Gibson. Enough said. But to add to what nothing more can be added, I will begin this blog with a description of the name itself before we get into which role is the most Badass.

According to wikipedia so you know its true, Mel's legal name is Mel Colm-Cille Gerard Gibson. Woah, I know... Even his full name can kick your ass. Here is my completely accurate and fully researched meaning behind the name.

"Mel" From the earliest known recorded history it is those who are so awesome no other name can be fitting that are given the name Mel. Mel is derived obviously from the word Medal. Medal is used for everything that is bad ass including creating statues that resemble Mel Gibson.

"Colm-Cille" From the Gaelic words meaning "Cannot be Killed" Mel's middle name spells out his immortality. Years from now there will be another discussion about the best Mel Gibson role and the man who plays Mel Gibson in the movie Mel Gibson will win the argument hands down. That actor being Mel Gibson of course.

"Gerard" From and ancient Germanic word for Guard or Brave.... the name Gerard is definitely not French contrary to popular belief because there is not a word in the French language that can accurately be used to describe Mel Gibson or be fitting enough to be part of his name.

"Gibson" A legendary last name. It is Scottish for Great. It is used in many countries as a slang term for the best, or amazing. For example "That was such a Gibson movie." This is not due to its meaning, but because Mel Gibson uses it as a last name. Let us not forget one of the best guitar brands shares this name, coincidence? I think not.

Now that you have a little better understanding to the meaning of Mel Gibson it may make you understand this blog a little better. Mel Gibson characters are so incredibly badass, because Mel Gibson is so incredibly badass, you just can't fake being so awesome. Mel does not have to get into character for movies, movies get into character for Mel Gibson. FACT.

Let this debate begin....