A Brief History of Mel Gibson

Born in a remote forest outside of New York in 1934, Master of Everything Living (shortened to Mel) Gibson was found on the side of the road by travelers as he was killing a bear using only his charm, good looks, and natural acting abilities.  Although his birth parents are unknown, a geneticist would later trace his ancestry back to Thor and the Virgin Mary.  

The United States Army believed Mel Gibson could be used as an incredible weapon; by the time he was 8 years old the government had begun attempting to recreate his awesome power and so began the Manhattan Project.  Mel Gibson was on the run, wanting to use the talents he possessed for good, and not for destruction.  He was on the run until 1946, when he discovered he had the ability, through psychokinesis, to transport himself.  He relocated himself and his adoptive parents to Sydney Australia, where he would continue to practice and perfect his technique.

Mel tried to fit in with normal people in Sydney, but failed at doing so.  When he was 13, he simply smiled at a girl he liked, which caused her to orgasm, have a heart attack, and become pregnant all at once.  The girl would die during childbirth, only to be revived by Mel during her funeral when he prayed to God for her to live again.

This sparked awe and fear into the minds and hearts of Australians.  Some believe he was a saint, while others believed he was a witch.  Mel Gibson began another life on the run, transporting himself from country to country until he was 20 years old.  Exhausted and near death, Mel Gibson was found by his adoptive parents in Djibouti living among a family of Vervet Monkeys, where he was believed to be their God.  Mel had carved out a mansion inside an Acacia tree using only a toenail clipping.  

He asked to be left alone to live in peace amongst his Vervet brothers and sisters, and his parents complied.  He did this for 23 years before deciding to move back to Sydney.  His health was once again at 100%, and he was determined once again to overcome adversity and bring his acting talents to the world.  He said goodbye to the Vervets, and transported himself back to his home in Sydney.

When he returned home in 1977, his parents were amazed he hadn't aged at all.  In fact, he looked younger and even more handsome.  Without having done anything, offers for movies began coming in.  Mel Gibson accepted the role for the film Summer City.  He rejected payment at first, but would later accept $250 as a stipend for gracing the film with his presence.

In 1979, Mel Gibson decided it was time to give what he could to the world as he did the Vervet Monkeys.  He starred in Mad Max and immediately blew everyone away.  He would soon begin to act in more and more films.  Sometimes he had to be in two places at once, and would act two different roles at the exact same moment.

From there, Mel Gibson has been widely acclaimed as the greatest, most handsome, and charming figure to ever live.  His popularity grew so quickly that the government could no longer try to use him for destruction or war without being found out.  He was once again able to walk freely in the United States.

Controversial, brilliant, and legendary, Mel Gibson often visits his Acacia mansion in Djibouti to spend relaxing time with his friends.  Some fear that Mel is badass-ed out.  Others feel he just doesn't have the heart to continue making awesome films like he once did.  However, those who truly love Mel Gibson, like myself, know he is only getting started.

PORTER. BADASS. But does not make the final argument

(Notice that MEL GIBSON is above the movie title)

Mel Gibson plays the badass role of Porter in the movie Payback. If you have not seen this movie you are an idiot. It was not a hugely grossing movie but Mel Gibson is in it. Enough said.

Before we get into to the real nitty gritty on the discussion of most badass Mel Gibson role I want to introduce Porter and talk about his badassness (BAness). This character has some significant BA points coming his way so he cannot be left out. Here is a list of reason he was considered for the final debate.

List of Badassness

1. Porter is known simply as Porter.

Everyone knows that if you are known only by a first or last name you are pretty awesome. The name Porter strikes fear into the hearts of his adversaries. There is not even a hint to what his full name is in this movie. My guess, his full name is Mel Porter Gibson. It just makes sense to me...

2. Porter's profession is being a con artist. As if that's not badass enough he has morals. Being a con artist and still having morals is impressive and he balances crime and doing "the right thing" pretty well. This is pretty much the story line to the entire movie in case you don't know. He is double crossed by his drug addict wife and douche bag partner and all he wants when he returns is his fair share of the money, no more, no less.

3.Getting shot and not dieing is pretty damn high on the Badass-O-Meter. Porter's wife puts some lead into his back and teams up with his fucktard partner who needs Porter's share of the money to pay off some mob type bad guys who come up later in the movie. He is left for dead but simply has some shady guy who once watched a movie on medicine, remove the bullets in his basement with some rusty pliers and some vodka basically.

4.Porter needs no help. When you are as badass as this guy help just gets in your way. The only help he needs is from his hot call girl girlfriend and all she does is kidnap a dude. Which brings me to my next point...

5. Having a sexy accomplice/girlfriend. BONUS. Definitely adds to his BAness

6. Porter takes on mobsters without fear. That's all cool and dandy but one of these mobsters is played by Kristoffer Kristofferson. Enough said.

7.Porter gets tortured. Like really tortured. He has some dude go to town on his toes one at a time with a fucking hammer. Fuck that. That's all I'm saying. Most of the time he's laughing and talking shit while this guy is owning his feet.

8&9.Porter has to fight both the mob, a bunch of asians, AND corrupt cops. Dealing with three separate groups of assholes that want you dead has to suck but Porter uses it to his advantage. The cops try to blow him up so he uses the phone rigged to a bomb to blow up the mob guys. When he kills his ex-partner he gets the cops fingerprints on the gun and sets them up for failure. Porter is both brains and brawn which gets him another point of BAness.

10. The entire movie is narrated by Porter's thoughts in a monotone and pissed off cynical tone of voice. You can tell just by the sound of his voice that he's a badass.

Now looking back this role is pretty damn badass. But Porter does not make the top 3. Surprising I know, but you have no idea what we have in store for the final cut of characters...