A Brief History of Mel Gibson

Born in a remote forest outside of New York in 1934, Master of Everything Living (shortened to Mel) Gibson was found on the side of the road by travelers as he was killing a bear using only his charm, good looks, and natural acting abilities.  Although his birth parents are unknown, a geneticist would later trace his ancestry back to Thor and the Virgin Mary.  

The United States Army believed Mel Gibson could be used as an incredible weapon; by the time he was 8 years old the government had begun attempting to recreate his awesome power and so began the Manhattan Project.  Mel Gibson was on the run, wanting to use the talents he possessed for good, and not for destruction.  He was on the run until 1946, when he discovered he had the ability, through psychokinesis, to transport himself.  He relocated himself and his adoptive parents to Sydney Australia, where he would continue to practice and perfect his technique.

Mel tried to fit in with normal people in Sydney, but failed at doing so.  When he was 13, he simply smiled at a girl he liked, which caused her to orgasm, have a heart attack, and become pregnant all at once.  The girl would die during childbirth, only to be revived by Mel during her funeral when he prayed to God for her to live again.

This sparked awe and fear into the minds and hearts of Australians.  Some believe he was a saint, while others believed he was a witch.  Mel Gibson began another life on the run, transporting himself from country to country until he was 20 years old.  Exhausted and near death, Mel Gibson was found by his adoptive parents in Djibouti living among a family of Vervet Monkeys, where he was believed to be their God.  Mel had carved out a mansion inside an Acacia tree using only a toenail clipping.  

He asked to be left alone to live in peace amongst his Vervet brothers and sisters, and his parents complied.  He did this for 23 years before deciding to move back to Sydney.  His health was once again at 100%, and he was determined once again to overcome adversity and bring his acting talents to the world.  He said goodbye to the Vervets, and transported himself back to his home in Sydney.

When he returned home in 1977, his parents were amazed he hadn't aged at all.  In fact, he looked younger and even more handsome.  Without having done anything, offers for movies began coming in.  Mel Gibson accepted the role for the film Summer City.  He rejected payment at first, but would later accept $250 as a stipend for gracing the film with his presence.

In 1979, Mel Gibson decided it was time to give what he could to the world as he did the Vervet Monkeys.  He starred in Mad Max and immediately blew everyone away.  He would soon begin to act in more and more films.  Sometimes he had to be in two places at once, and would act two different roles at the exact same moment.

From there, Mel Gibson has been widely acclaimed as the greatest, most handsome, and charming figure to ever live.  His popularity grew so quickly that the government could no longer try to use him for destruction or war without being found out.  He was once again able to walk freely in the United States.

Controversial, brilliant, and legendary, Mel Gibson often visits his Acacia mansion in Djibouti to spend relaxing time with his friends.  Some fear that Mel is badass-ed out.  Others feel he just doesn't have the heart to continue making awesome films like he once did.  However, those who truly love Mel Gibson, like myself, know he is only getting started.