A stone tablet was discovered somewhere in ancient Sumeria in the year 20 A.D. It's inscription was as follows (All language has been translated into English) and is believed to be the first known prophesy of Jesus Christ himself:
In the year 1956 on the third day in the month of Januarus
A god will be born
Yay, not a child, nor an infant, nor a newborn wrapped in swaddling clothes and laid in a manger,
but a god
This god will take a mortal man's name
This name shall be Melanhimorousibrahim Gibsonezekiel Christ
And he will reveal his power to this earth
Through his skills on what shall be known as the Silver Screen
People of the future Christian world, do not be fooled
For this creature is not one of you!
He is a god among mere men
Silver-eyed and strong as an ox
With an unquenchable taste for beautiful maidens and hearty amounts of alcoholic beverages
And a penchant to spew racial and sexual epithets to members of the law enforcement community
His abilities will go unchallenged
And you will know him by the trail of broken actors his leaves in his wake
Take heed, good Christians!
For this god will be criticized and attacked
Just as yours truly will be assailed 14 years from now in the painful months before my death
For it is through this suffering undertaken by Melanhimorousibrahim
That you will all be free of your sins again
This god will suffer for you, just as I will suffer
Because he is my half-brother
Born to Mary Magdalene through her inappropriate sexual relations with my father
Treat him as you would the Holy Ghost himself
And you shall bear witness to Academy Awards beyond your wildest dreams
Yay, so it shall be so, and so forth and so on
Thus spake my father, and I through him, in him, with him
And the peasants do rejoice
And do partake in a feast of lamb chops and port wine
And it was good
Amen.
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